Getting Married, Gender Intact: Your guide to affirming weddings as a Trans or Non-Binary Person

When I got married, I didn’t just get to marry the love of my life. I also had to navigate a heap of legal forms, outdated systems, and gendered boxes that weren’t made for someone like me.

Hi, I’m Kiz (they/them), Div’s wife, and I’ve taken over her blog today to talk directly to my trans community. I want to share what it was like for me getting legally married in Australia, especially because I hadn’t updated any of my legal documents when we tied the knot. 

Honestly, I’d assumed I could change my full name for free when I got married - like a cute little reset button. Spoiler alert: Nope. You can only change your surname via marriage. Not your first name. Not your gender marker.

Kinda sucks that I’ve still gotta fork over a bunch of money to do it, and also all the other legal stuff, but it is what it is.

But anyway, my wedding was incredible - after all I was marrying the love of my life. The day was beautiful. And yours can be too.

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The Legal Bits: Not Made For Us

(But We Do It Anyway)

Notice of Intended Marriage

Let’s talk about the Notice of Intended Marriage (NOIM). It’s legally required in Australia and asks for your full legal name and your gender (which is optional and includes a non-binary option). You also need to provide a form of legal ID, either a passport or a combo of photo ID and your birth certificate (to confirm your place of birth).

For me, this meant putting down my dead name and providing ID that doesn’t align with my identity — just to make the paperwork work. It was frustrating, but I expected it. The system wasn’t built with us in mind.

The Legal Vows & Using Your Legal Name

The other tough section for trans folk like me is the legal vows. The full legal names of both parties (including any middle names) must be spoken somewhere in the ceremony, ideally before the vows begin.

For the vows themselves, you can use just your first and last, or first and middle - whatever feels right - so long as the complete legal names have been used earlier.

If hearing your full legal name feels uncomfortable (it definitely did for me), you can keep that part low-key and just ensure your witnesses hear it. We did ours quietly at the start, and it worked just fine.

Here’s what helped: I had a celebrant who got it. I shared my pronouns, name, and how I wanted the day to feel. They worked with me to make sure my dead name and legal gender showed up only where absolutely necessary. Pretty much every other part of our wedding was gender-affirming and completely aligned with my real name and identity.

If you’re in the same boat - still using your dead name legally for now, or not ready to go through the bureaucratic hell of a formal name change - you’re valid. Your identity is real. And you still deserve to have the wedding of your dreams.

Finding a Celebrant Who Actually Gets It

This is my biggest piece of advice: find a celebrant who actually sees you.

You don’t want someone who insists on using your legal name just because “it’s on the form.” You want someone who understands the difference between what’s legally required and what’s respectful.

A good celebrant will:

• Use your chosen name and pronouns throughout the ceremony (except for where it’s legally required)

• Ask what language feels right for you — “spouse”, “partner”, “husband” or “wife”.

• Helps you navigate the paperwork and let you know what’s flexible and what’s not

You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your gender or choices. You deserve a celebrant who affirms you from the very beginning.

Practicing Self-Care

Because You Deserve It!

Wedding planning can be stressful for anyone, but if you’re trans, it can hit extra hard. Dysphoria, misgendering, weird family dynamics, or just feeling unseen in wedding spaces - it’s real.

Here’s how I looked after myself:

• I took breaks when paperwork or planning stuff brought up too much dysphoria or exhaustion.

• I gave myself permission to not change everything legally just to “match” some idea of what marriage should look like.

• I leaned into chosen family and community for support and validation.

Also? I wore an outfit that made me feel comfy and powerful. And I didn’t try to conform to any gendered (or androgynous) expectation about what a non-binary person, or a wife is “supposed to look like.” I showed up as me.

You don’t need to perform your gender for anyone’s approval. Not on your wedding day, and not ever.

If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed…

Here’s your gentle reminder: you don’t have to have it all figured out.

You don’t need to rush into a legal name change if it feels like too much. You don’t need to look or act a certain way. And you don’t have to pretend the process isn’t hard sometimes.

You do get to be celebrated, exactly as you are.

And if anyone tells you otherwise? They’re wrong. Full stop.

Final Thoughts

Being trans and getting married is powerful. There’s something beautiful (and rebellious!) about declaring your love publicly in a world that doesn’t always make room for people like us.

If you’re a fellow trans or non-binary person planning a wedding and feeling a bit lost in the forms or the feels, I hope this helped.

You deserve joy. You deserve ease. You deserve a ceremony that sees every part of you and says, “Yes. This love is real, and it’s worth celebrating.”

If you need a celebrant who gets it, my wife has created a whole business around making that happen. You’ll be in the best hands.

With love, Kiz xx

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Your Queer Celebrant

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Your Queer Celebrant 〰️